Broken

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A lions den

Not safe not warm 

Nowhere to run

To fight 

To crawl

I close my eyes 

I hide in darkness

My dreams are still free

Are mine are honest

My home is gone 

Is shattered….so broken

The game is control

The moulded mouse is me 

Just plastic on string

Or is this all me….

The dice is rolled

I fumble, no…..

I fold 

This was February 2015 life’s so dark at this time, it’s taken me until now to be able to post and talk about it. Writing this makes me feel like I am talking about it at least. 

I will tell my story, it’s a twist, it’s no fairytale that’s for sure. A girl did meet a boy but he was no knight, he was no hero. He was master and commander, she was a slave. Beaten and bruised, trapped and tortured but she wasn’t broken, I was not broken! 

I’m still in here….just

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I want to phone you
It’s a battle with myself not to call
This clouded numbness
Is thick is heavy is cold
I am fighting to breath
My breath is heavy, is forced, it’s like it’s controlled
I have nightmares so real, so horrific, so raw
I stay up till 2am hoping the sun will wake early
Will surprise me with a new day
A new colour, a new feel, a new choice.
But my choices are gone
My battle is too hard
This fight is too hurtful too painful too lost
I put in to words my thoughts
So I don’t act
I am at peace in my words
In my story in my head
The nightmares are there
Are loud, are fierce
But laughing is here, it’s quiet but present
Love is hiding but it’s there I feel it, it’s still warm

Don’t give up on me
This lost tired soul
I am in here, I will come back
I’m just not ready, not strong.
Please I don’t want to fight
Not today, not tonight.
I will call you and I pray you will answer
I pray it won’t be too late
Who I pray to? I don’t even know but I do
I will
I will stop shaking
I will stop being scared
I will not lie
I always tell you the truth
And the truth is I’m scared
I’m frightened of my choices
But I will call you, not today, not tomorrow….
I pray you will be there.

6th feb 2014

This is today.

Is the grass greener

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If I work out does that make me strong
If I give in does that make me weak
If I close my eyes and see you is that love
Are you the image I have created

Do you ever get lost in your mind
I get lost in my minds creation of you
I feel breathless as I think of you
I feel lost when I don’t hear from you
Is greener grass possible
Is change greener, lusher, brighter
Or is my grass just burnt
If I add water
Will that make everything okay

Can I close my eyes and take it back
Can my heart ever love again
Can I ever be happy
Can I ever feel
Because now I am nothing
I am numb
July 2012

Marriage was crumbling, life was slipping away from me. Change was needed….but would it really make me happy, would change bring me what I needed…..I had no idea but I had to try. Life the way it was wasn’t working, I had doubts, I had regrets, I had depression and I had to get out, so I had to make changes…..scary full on life changes……would the grass be greener on the other side….I had to believe it would be, I had to try!

Anniversary…gone 17 years

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On this day today
Your actions shaped my world
My way of looking at love
My way of looking at life
You shaped my world on this day
In a way I am yet to fully understand
On one hand you gave me life
But on the other you made it a constant fight
But fight I will
A fight I refuse to give up
I need this life
If not for me, for them
The two beautiful creatures
The ones I believe I was here to conceive
And you….. I believe
Well you were here I make sure I succeed
So for you… That scared little girl I will fight.
16 August 2014

I wrote this today…..I am sad Lisa hung herself 17 years ago today. But I spent this sad day in the sun with my children, there were no clouds and I am sure she was smiling and laughing with us if she could see.

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Dishonest

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Open and honest
What a joke
We are closed and deceitful
Cold and hungry
Lost and lonely
I am many things
But honest I am not
Not to myself
Not to my life
Not to my love.
July 2012

It may sound bizarre but I was really lost and confused how could reading a book make me doubt that I loved my husband?
I craved something different, something powerful, something raw. It was nothing in particular that he did wrong or that I did wrong it was a feeling, a craving, a longing for something else….. But what exactly? I didn’t know but I was doubting my love for him, my commitment to him, I was doubting I could be with him forever.
But I felt nervous to write about it, I had so many words running through my head, so many emotions I needed to get on paper but I couldn’t…..what if he found them, what if he saw…. He was in Abu Dhabi but I still thought, what if I’m being silly….we might be fine, it might be a faze so I couldn’t write these feelings down, he might find them in the future then know how I felt. Oh I was struggling, battling with myself and I couldn’t figure out if I was winning or losing, all I knew was, I was hurting and I was so very confused.

Secret Poem

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I have a poem
A poem that can never be told
I write for love
I write for hate
I write for me
I write to be free
But I am tier
I am torn
I am suffocated
I have a poem
But it can’t be told
I have hurt….
Shh…. I have said too much
July 2012

I am yet to decide if I should explain this….perhaps over the next few poems what was going on in my life will be obvious.

Invisible

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Another night
Another dream
Another day I wasn’t seen
Invisible life
Invisible soul
Invisible future a future unknown

April 2012

The same words, the same story, the same feelings continue to flood my mind. I am down then I am happy, I am confident then I am shy, I am strong then I am weak. Reading my poems and feeling how low I get saddens me because when I am happy life is amazing, I am chatty….. too chatty, I am confident and bubbly but when I am in a spiral of depression I am low, quiet, shy and withdrawn. I feel upset just feeling what I was going through, the worst part is I don’t know at the time, in that moment, that I am even low, it’s only later on reflection that I can see just how very down I can get.
I smile now too, I smile because I do fight, I do push myself and I haven’t in years really felt a real fear that I will harm myself I am proud of that, of how far I have come, I am thankful to the people around me that have taught me to fight, to pick up on the signs of my spiral down because they keep me here, they keep me fighting, they keep me breathing, loving, living.

A new life

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A chapters beginning
A bird takes its first flight
A baby walks on unsteady feet
A chick breaks out of its egg
No more shell
No more darkness

I too take a step
I take a leap with you
Shadows can follow
But I will never stop
No more shell
No more darkness
No more of that life.
23 April 2012

The ‘You’ that I am talking about was the followers the readers of my blog. I was feeling so awesome knowing that someone, even just one person was enough to be a release from me. It was so very therapeutic and still is to write but then share….. Well sharing is exactly what I need. This started with me sharing my childhood poems and now as an adult I have to admit it still helps it still keeps me level sharing…..letting all this weight off me, so thank you to everyone and anyone who has taken the time to read xx

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