Is the grass greener

Tags

change, Depression, Life, love, struggling, time in my life

If I work out does that make me strong
If I give in does that make me weak
If I close my eyes and see you is that love
Are you the image I have created

Do you ever get lost in your mind
I get lost in my minds creation of you
I feel breathless as I think of you
I feel lost when I don’t hear from you
Is greener grass possible
Is change greener, lusher, brighter
Or is my grass just burnt
If I add water
Will that make everything okay

Can I close my eyes and take it back
Can my heart ever love again
Can I ever be happy
Can I ever feel
Because now I am nothing
I am numb
July 2012

Marriage was crumbling, life was slipping away from me. Change was needed….but would it really make me happy, would change bring me what I needed…..I had no idea but I had to try. Life the way it was wasn’t working, I had doubts, I had regrets, I had depression and I had to get out, so I had to make changes…..scary full on life changes……would the grass be greener on the other side….I had to believe it would be, I had to try!

Anniversary…gone 17 years

Tags

best friend, greif, greiving, Life, lose, remembering, Suicide

On this day today
Your actions shaped my world
My way of looking at love
My way of looking at life
You shaped my world on this day
In a way I am yet to fully understand
On one hand you gave me life
But on the other you made it a constant fight
But fight I will
A fight I refuse to give up
I need this life
If not for me, for them
The two beautiful creatures
The ones I believe I was here to conceive
And you….. I believe
Well you were here I make sure I succeed
So for you… That scared little girl I will fight.
16 August 2014

I wrote this today…..I am sad Lisa hung herself 17 years ago today. But I spent this sad day in the sun with my children, there were no clouds and I am sure she was smiling and laughing with us if she could see.

I just can’t

Tags

lonely, lost, love, struggling, time in my life

I have a pen
I have a heart
They have a connection
A balance
An understanding
I feel lost
I have a void
I can’t connect
I can’t release
I can’t be free
I need to feel you
To see if anything is there
Can you love me….
Heck can you like me.

July 2011

Dishonest

Tags

choices, confused, honesty, lies, Life, poetry, relationships

Open and honest
What a joke
We are closed and deceitful
Cold and hungry
Lost and lonely
I am many things
But honest I am not
Not to myself
Not to my life
Not to my love.
July 2012

It may sound bizarre but I was really lost and confused how could reading a book make me doubt that I loved my husband?
I craved something different, something powerful, something raw. It was nothing in particular that he did wrong or that I did wrong it was a feeling, a craving, a longing for something else….. But what exactly? I didn’t know but I was doubting my love for him, my commitment to him, I was doubting I could be with him forever.
But I felt nervous to write about it, I had so many words running through my head, so many emotions I needed to get on paper but I couldn’t…..what if he found them, what if he saw…. He was in Abu Dhabi but I still thought, what if I’m being silly….we might be fine, it might be a faze so I couldn’t write these feelings down, he might find them in the future then know how I felt. Oh I was struggling, battling with myself and I couldn’t figure out if I was winning or losing, all I knew was, I was hurting and I was so very confused.