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I want to phone you
It’s a battle with myself not to call
This clouded numbness
Is thick is heavy is cold
I am fighting to breath
My breath is heavy, is forced, it’s like it’s controlled
I have nightmares so real, so horrific, so raw
I stay up till 2am hoping the sun will wake early
Will surprise me with a new day
A new colour, a new feel, a new choice.
But my choices are gone
My battle is too hard
This fight is too hurtful too painful too lost
I put in to words my thoughts
So I don’t act
I am at peace in my words
In my story in my head
The nightmares are there
Are loud, are fierce
But laughing is here, it’s quiet but present
Love is hiding but it’s there I feel it, it’s still warm

Don’t give up on me
This lost tired soul
I am in here, I will come back
I’m just not ready, not strong.
Please I don’t want to fight
Not today, not tonight.
I will call you and I pray you will answer
I pray it won’t be too late
Who I pray to? I don’t even know but I do
I will
I will stop shaking
I will stop being scared
I will not lie
I always tell you the truth
And the truth is I’m scared
I’m frightened of my choices
But I will call you, not today, not tomorrow….
I pray you will be there.

6th feb 2014

This is today.