Tags

Abortion, Emotions, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

Trying to sleep is hard

I feel guilt all around

I keep thinking of you

and the person you could have been.

A life was taken away

was ripped from getting to grow

I just wanted the best for you

I know I will be a good Mum

and Mike an amazing Dad

now was not the right time

but why then can’t I be glad.

A child should grow with the love

of both parents by their side

for unconditional love

with undivided attention

for when you speak your first word

for when you climb a tree

for when you ride your first bike

and then, for when you fall and scrape your knee

I wanted for you the best

and now at this time

it would not have been achieved.

I will cherish the moments you gave me

and the feelings I felt inside

your life was not in vain

I will never forget the soul

I didn’t get the chance to know.

Written 16 March 2005

Going through with my abortion was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. It was so hard to go against what I believed. I never minded someone else having an abortion but I just thought if I was ever in that position, I would have to have the baby. I did not agree with abortion for myself except of cause if I was raped or medical reasons which meant it was the best thing for the unborn child. I think this is why I gave myself such a hard time and found it so hard to deal with the pain that came after the reality set in about what I had done. I do look back and often regret my decision but I can’t change the past and I have forgiven myself.

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A Life Destroyed

Tags

Abortion, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

I don’t know what to think

I don’t know how to understand

if I think I am a good person

why did I allow myself to kill you.

I wish I had you in my arms

I would rock you back to sleep

I would tell you nursery rhymes

I just want to hold you close.

How could I be so selfish

to put what I wanted in my life before yours

How dare I decide

that it is best for you to not live.

What if you were to be a doctor

and you were destined to save lives

What if you were to be a police officer

and to the public you were to protect and serve.

Who was I to take that from you

who was I to choose

for what I did

I will always feel regret

You should have had the chance

A chance to show the world

A chance to achieve your goals

A chance to show your soul

I miss the feeling you gave me

the space you filled inside

I wish I did not have to decide

I will always think of you

I will never forget what you gave me

I am sorry I broke that promise to you

But I hope you can forgive my actions

I hate myself for what I did.

Written 14 March 2005

I had an abortion, there I said it. This is something I am not proud of in fact I am ashamed of it, I was pretty young, yes I was in a relationship with the father but it wasn’t serious. We had to make a decision and right or wrongly we decided to abort and it is a decision I have to live with for the rest of my life. I don’t ever need anyone to judge me I do that enough all on my own.

Escape

Tags

Depression, honest thoughts, Life, mental-health, Personal

Where are you hiding

why can’t I see

I want to be beside you

I need to be free

I need to see your shining smile

I need to hear your laugh

I want to retrace my footsteps

I want to be with you at last

I feel the clouds forming

I see the shining end

I want to feel freedom

Help me to escape

a life I was never meant to live

I should’ve died

I should’ve gone with you

Take me

I want to be with you.

Written 8 March 2005

When clouds form, when shadows overwhelm me, I think of her and long to be with her. Suicide is an escape I always think of, sometime I wonder whats the point in holding out, I’m surely going to give in eventually and that thought scares me. I haven’t attempted suicide for many years, I have however contemplated it but I can’t I have felt the pain of the other side and I won’t, no I can’t inflict that soft of pain or guilt on anyone. I will live and yes sometimes I will go into battle with those demons but I am winning and I am strong.

Love is………Gone

Tags

Emotions, Life, Relationship break-up, time in my life

My life is going through changes

I’m scared I can not cope

I feel all alone one day

but I am glad and happy the next.

My life with Brad was easy

I felt it was complete

he was the man I loved

and wanted to spend my life with.

The changes were not my decision

I wish he wanted me

I wonder what I did wrong

to make him not believe.

Why did he want someone else

after six years what did I do wrong

How can I make it right

How can I make him mine.

Written 2004

The deep wound of a break up is an impossible pain to escape, minutes pass and feel like days and it feels like it will never get easier. It’s like falling into a hole with the walls are so high that you can’t get out. Friends can throw down rescue ladders but it doesn’t help, you can’t get out until you want it, you have to climb out they can’t do it for you, they can support you but it’s up to you and you HAVE to climb. I was at a point where just looking out was hard let alone trying to climb, I wanted him back, I didn’t care what or who he did I just wanted him. Love really is blind.

Darkest Desires

Tags

Emotions, Life, Relationship break-up, time in my life

From our darkest desires

comes the dream to be no more

to shut out all the light

to not have to open your eyes

to look up at the sun.

From the greatest life

comes the dream of death

to not have to live with sorrow

to not have to live with pain

to do the gutless task

to not have to deal with life.

From the simplest mind

can come the greatest task

to take away sorrow

to take away pain

to take away suffering

to take away

to take away…….

Life

Written 2004

I wrote this poem after my six-year relationship broke up. He was my rock and the only person who never judged me for my past actions, he was a huge part of my life and he got on with my family better than his own. Yet somehow something happened, we faded and slipped apart, no ones fault we were just young and both needed to live a little but I didn’t think that at the time. I find writing such therapy, I stop myself acting on my thoughts when I express myself on paper, it is my way of coping with life’s curveballs. And a relationship breaking up, that is just a curveball, I will get through it I am now stronger than that and I know I will be okay.

The Pain Inside

Tags

Emotions, honest thoughts, mental-health, Schizophrenia, time in my life

Can a face have two sides

to hide the pain behind

Why would a face need to hide

what it shouldn’t feel ashamed.

The world is a clown

with a thousand faces shown

a picture everyday

with new shadows to hide the pain.

Why does the world hurt so much

we think there is so much love

the face can not always hide

the emotions on the inside.

Try to look past the first face

to see the one behind

see the sorrow

see the pain.

The world is like its people

with no true face to see

All feelings are a lie

for true feelings we never show.

Why should we hide

when we are hurt or upset

to tell someone is easier

it halves the weight you carry.

To keep things bottled inside

is not good for your face

you should let your feelings show

before they swallow you whole.

Written 2002

As I became a young adult I started to notice how we all hold back so much of our lives. We act as if the challenges we have overcome as something to be ashamed of and hide rather than talk about them and feel pride that we got through it. I am an open book, ask me anything and I will give you my honest answer. Sometimes that will be what you want to hear and sometimes you will wish you didn’t ask but one thing it will always be is HONEST I’m always honest to what I believe.

My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia around this time and I was amazed and disappointed at the reaction towards him, I knew he was being judged. I had an after school job at his place of work and no one knew what to say to me. I soon learnt that in times like these people are cruel, they don’t always mean it but they are. It seems to be a knee jerk reaction to any situation we don’t understand and I hated that no one was honest with me. No one who asked about him genuinely wanted to know how he was, they screwed him over, he had to quit his job and they thought this little school student didn’t notice their stares and gossip. I knew, and it hurt but I would never give them the satisfaction to know that. I was strong and I loved my brother and I will always stand by him. Mental illness in our family is normal now and we are so much closer because of it, there will always be ignorant people and I will not waste my thoughts on their actions or reactions.

A Childs Home

Tags

Children, honest thoughts, Life, time in my life

From a home that is full of love

comes a child that knows little pain

comes a child free from suffering

A child with the world at their feet

A home shared with two

or a home shared with one

it means the same to a child

if the home is filled with love

With the world as their oyster

they can always achieve

but in a home full of pain

they may fall upon their knees

So live a life of love

and bring children into love

ensure they see no suffering

ensure they feel no pain.

Written September 2001

I wrote this poem because I was seeing a lot of stories on the news about the crimes involving children throughout the world. After September 11, I was always watching the news. I never really watched before then, I didn’t really understand, I didn’t see why it should matter to me what is going on in the world miles away. I grew up a little during that time, I started to think about others and wanted to know what I could do to help. I always disappear into my writing when an event or action moves me and I felt strongly about children, I wanted children in the future and I hated the idea that there are children out there in pain.

Killing causes such pain

Tags

Grieving, honest thoughts, time in my life

From killing comes pain

From death comes sorrow

To do this to others

Is it worth inflicting pain?

How would you feel to be living

in a place with no respect

for the people who live within it.

When sorrow you see everyday

When grief you always feel

When suffering you always see

When your life need not exist.

To the rest of the world

you are the people who always do wrong

the people who always cause pain

but only for you religion do you stay strong.

For you it must be hard

to understand why you

Why other people in your land

want to harm other nations.

From their minds come the thoughts

that the rest of the world

is deceitful and full of greed

That we should not live but die.

In the name of religion

I must ask

how can from killing come good

And how can from deceit come truth.

Written in September 2001

I wrote this poem following the September 11, 2001 attack on the Twin Towers. I am from a small town in New Zealand and New Zealand is a beautiful place to live. It is safe here, I can walk the streets at anytime of night, sure there are snippets of crime but really nothing for us to complain too much about. I was so very shocked when I heard the news, my brother was living in London so I was more concerned about the possibility of another attack there, which is selfish I know but my family means everything to me. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for everyone who lost loved ones, friends, work mates and family. I didn’t write this poem with a completely accurate view on the whole situation but this is what I felt after hearing all the information I heard through the news at the time.

My future with you

The world has a path for everyone

a fate that can not be changed

a fate that was foretold

on the day you were conceived.

For my fate I hope

I only have one prayer

that my life be full of joy

A life free from despair.

I want to spend it with you

my life I forever want to share

to have you by my side

to never let me be alone.

On you I always depend

in you I always trust

to help me through the hard times

to share the good times with.

I love you with all my heart

and to you I will always be true

for it is you I want to be with

to make all my dreams come true

In my heart you will always be

you pick me up when I am down

you show me a reason to love

you show me a reason to live.

I trust in you to be there

I trust in you to always care

I hope you know my love for you

will be forever strong

I look forward to my future

sharing a life with you

I know you feel the same

so to our love we will always be true.

Written around 2000

I am HAPPY! it is amazing what a little love can do for the soul, I got a new boyfriend at my new school. I told him EVERYTHING and to my surprise, he was there for me, he liked me even with all my ‘baggage’. I had found a guy that embraced my inner ‘weirdness’, he gave this lonely girl who thought there was nothing to live for……..LIFE.

Imagine

Tags

Friendship, Grieving, honest thoughts, Personal, Suicide, Suicide Pact, time in my life

To imagine what she was going through

is an image too hard to see

to put myself in her shoes

is a task too hard to achieve.

To not feel anger, hate or guilt

at her for what she did.

I know people split for their own reasons

and to themselves they must be true

but to not feel anger, hate or guilt

is a task too hard to deny.

The truth is, pain only goes

when you can hate and close your eyes.

Written 1999

“To imagine what you were going through” – I am referring to what she must have been going through on the day, in the moments before she decided to put her head in that noose. What was she going through to suddenly decide to do it without me, I think that is where my hate and anger comes from, I thought we were doing it together, I thought I wasn’t alone.

When I thought about that horrendous day in my head I wondered, why? Why that day, why alone instead of together? What if I had taken my bike to school, would I have followed her, tried to find her? Would I be here at all? Questions, questions, questions and no answers. I am no closer today to these answers but the difference is I no longer need those answers, I have made peace with those lonely little girl’s. All I know is, I am grateful, I am grateful for her decisions regardless of her reasons. Those decisions she made is why I am here today so I no longer want to ask her why, I just simply want to say, Thank-you.