Anniversary…gone 17 years

Tags

best friend, greif, greiving, Life, lose, remembering, Suicide

On this day today
Your actions shaped my world
My way of looking at love
My way of looking at life
You shaped my world on this day
In a way I am yet to fully understand
On one hand you gave me life
But on the other you made it a constant fight
But fight I will
A fight I refuse to give up
I need this life
If not for me, for them
The two beautiful creatures
The ones I believe I was here to conceive
And you….. I believe
Well you were here I make sure I succeed
So for you… That scared little girl I will fight.
16 August 2014

I wrote this today…..I am sad Lisa hung herself 17 years ago today. But I spent this sad day in the sun with my children, there were no clouds and I am sure she was smiling and laughing with us if she could see.

Ten Years

Tags

Emotions, Friendship, honest thoughts, Life, Memories, Personal, Suicide, time in my life

Ten years have been and gone

in ten years I have grown and changed

from that scared school girl

full of depression and despair

I wish I had a crystal ball

all those years ago

to see exactly what the future held

to see our wildest dreams could come true

I never would have thought

I would be happy, strong and good

I never would have thought life

would come out the way it did

All those promises we had

now just seem so small

it seems such a waste

What was I ever worried about

If only we had a glimpse

if someone showed us what we would’ve been

maybe then you could have chosen

to live out your days with me

I can’t say it was all clean sailing

I can’t say it was all good times

but it was my life

and for this life I am grateful

So many moments have been and gone

so many moments I needed you for

I miss the way you lit the room

I miss your laugh and your smile

Through all the moments

I have felt you there

I know you are shining on me

I know you are blessing my life

All the things I have done

I wish you had the chance

The feeling of walking down the aisle

Sealing marriage with a kiss

Looking into your babies eyes

feeling their fingers grip

to hear them laugh for the first time

to sooth their crying at night

I know if you knew life would be this great

If you just held out a little longer

then we could be together

just like we always thought we would.

Written 2006

I really do look back and wish she could have just held on to her life a little longer. Things did get better and this life really was worth fighting for. I don’t know that I have fully expressed just how lucky I feel, she gave me a second chance at life and I will always be so very grateful. x

Imagine

Tags

Friendship, Grieving, honest thoughts, Personal, Suicide, Suicide Pact, time in my life

To imagine what she was going through

is an image too hard to see

to put myself in her shoes

is a task too hard to achieve.

To not feel anger, hate or guilt

at her for what she did.

I know people split for their own reasons

and to themselves they must be true

but to not feel anger, hate or guilt

is a task too hard to deny.

The truth is, pain only goes

when you can hate and close your eyes.

Written 1999

“To imagine what you were going through” – I am referring to what she must have been going through on the day, in the moments before she decided to put her head in that noose. What was she going through to suddenly decide to do it without me, I think that is where my hate and anger comes from, I thought we were doing it together, I thought I wasn’t alone.

When I thought about that horrendous day in my head I wondered, why? Why that day, why alone instead of together? What if I had taken my bike to school, would I have followed her, tried to find her? Would I be here at all? Questions, questions, questions and no answers. I am no closer today to these answers but the difference is I no longer need those answers, I have made peace with those lonely little girl’s. All I know is, I am grateful, I am grateful for her decisions regardless of her reasons. Those decisions she made is why I am here today so I no longer want to ask her why, I just simply want to say, Thank-you.

Suicidal Dream

Tags

Depression, honest thoughts, mental-health, Personal, Suicide, time in my life

I know what it is like

to feel all alone

to be in the darkness

to be on your own

You feel your life is worthless

you feel your life is shit

you don’t want to live

you feel you have fallen in a pit.

You are struggling to get out

you think no one cares

you think no one knows

what it is like to be alone

You feel you are on your own

you feel you are by yourself

you feel you can’t talk

you feel no one wants to listen.

No one will think you are strange

no one will think you are queer

life just gets tough sometimes

but there is always someone there.

If you can’t talk to Mum

and you can’t talk to Dad

it is really important

you must find someone.

You might not think they will cry

but it would just rip their hearts apart

to find that you were dead

to find they didn’t help

I know what it is like

to do this to your family

to do this to your friends

to try to do this to your life

“why do people do that”

that’s what a lot of people say

but once in your life

you may be the one who feels this way.

So if you know of someone

who once felt alone

wouldn’t it be better to be there for them

than to talk about them on the phone

Try to understand

that we can all feel sad

maybe now you are strong

but maybe not for long.

You don’t know when you will need someone

when you will want someone there

trust me I know

I have been there

So don’t judge people

for what they have done

because you may feel that way

and have your day out of the sun.

Know that I will understand

if you feel this way

so come and talk it out

come and do it today.

Written 1999

Aahh it was so hard to hold back the urge to change parts of that poem. Maybe one day I will adjust it but today on this blog I am sticking to sharing everything as it was when I wrote it, even if it is rough and clearly needing editing. The important thing for me now and while I was writing this piece was… helping, I wanted to help people who were in the same situation as me. I didn’t and still don’t look at suicide as the cheats way out, I hate it when people say that, they think just because you attempted or committed suicide you are gutless. How dare they! Half of the people who say that I am sure, have never had a bad thing happen in their life, they have never felt alone and therefore coming to the conclusion that it is gutless quite frankly, pisses me off.

Helping, talking, listening heck just sitting with someone who is depressed is so much more productive. Yet more often than not people talk about them, judge them and eventually they often nail down the coffin with their poisonous gossip. I just want to create awareness, I want parents to protect their children, teachers to protect their students and I want us all to protect our friends. Suicide is horrible for both those left behind and those standing all alone. There are no winners in suicide, we all lose.

A poem just for you

Tags

Grieving, Life, mental-health, Suicide, Suicide Pact

All these promises I made to you

some are deeds I just can’t do

All my promises through your life

have got me now in such strife

I want to be with you

but to my family I must be true

because what would I have to gain

except to know my family is in total pain

For your death I feel such blame

for me it felt just like a game

I should have told a friend

for it may not have had to be your end

My life I feel is good

otherwise I would

To do that to my family isn’t right

so for my life to live I will fight.

Written in 1997

We had planned so much about our deaths, which is why it was so hard for me to cope with grieving on my own, I was meant to be dead, I was meant to die with her. We spent many hours talking about suicide, going into deep detail, we talked about how to do it, where to do it, what music to play at our funerals and we both wanted an open coffin. We didn’t want a mess for anyone to find and we didn’t want to feel any pain, so death by hanging seemed the easiest option plus it was something we could do it together, we could take that ‘leap’ together. I remember sitting in the library every Thursday for last period together and ‘planning’, I feel a deep sadness for those two girl’s sitting in that library, quietly disappearing, we were invisible, we were in such desperate need of being rescued and our rescuers never came. I wonder how many other teenagers are still to this day, disappearing, are invisible and who are sadly not being rescued.

I feel such Blame

Tags

Grieving, mental-health, Suicide, Suicide Pact, Teenage Suicide

Why did you do it

why did you put this pain on me

It is really hard knowing

that I knew but couldn’t see

I knew you hated life

but I didn’t think you’d do it

I know I am know better

I know I’ve tried it too

I didn’t think you’d do it

to me it was a game

I hate that I promised

that I promised I’d do it too

We were meant to do it together

we even decided on a song

Written 1996

I don’t think this poem is finished but I don’t think it is right for me to finish it now. So it is what it is, I don’t feel I should could finish it. I am not at the same place, mentally anymore, sometimes I go back there but now, tonight, no, now is not the right time to be changing something I started but couldn’t finish all that time ago. I have wanted to change many of my poems but I am trying to stay honest to what I started. This blog is about remembering, it is about breaking down the walls I have built I don’t want to just change and re-build them I want them destroyed.

Your Ending

Tags

Depression, Grieving, mental-health, Suicide, Suicide Pact, Teenage Suicide

Why have you done this

to your family

to all of your friends

especially to me

I know all of the reasons

well I think I do

but no-one knows for sure what you were thinking

when you put your head into that noose

It must have been hard

it must have taken guts

but what you did was wrong

what you did to us was heartless

Why didn’t you think first

of all of us left behind

Us to pick up the pieces

of what was going on inside your mind

You weren’t the girl I once knew

the girl so full of life

everyone  thought you were happy

But I could see straight through your lies

Still I didn’t believe you

when you said exactly how you felt

We stole that stupid bike

and didn’t want to get caught

We thought we could take the cheats way out

together we would stand

But instead you jumped alone

you jumped all by yourself

Now I stand alone but I will regain my strength

Never will I forget

The friend I had in you

the friend that was forever true.

Written in 1996

When I was fourteen I lost my best friend to suicide. I was battling my own demons, my own thoughts of suicide and when I attempted the first time it opened our emotions to flow together like a raging river. We were both fighting the same fight, living and being happy just seemed too hard. The tunnel vision we both had is frightening for me to think back on now, I feel a deep sadness for the girl’s we were back then, I feel scared for teenagers that are now living with what I lived through and I am so very lucky that I was the one who lived through it. I am gutted my teenage years are tainted with depression and suicide but I am happy to have known this beautiful girl.

The Feeling Inside

Tags

Depression, Suicide

The way I feel inside

what I could do I could not say

what I feel inside tonight

is a powerful part of me

the part that wants to be free

the part that is held to a spot

it is the part that wants to die

I always feel different things

I feel fine then I feel alone

I know lots of people care

but still I feel sadness

I feel no one understands

no one knows me well

to know what I am feeling

what I am feeling inside

what is going on inside my mind

not even I could tell you

what I could and could not do.

                                                              Written 1996

I wrote this poem when I was fourteen years old, I had attempted suicide and was in a pretty dark place. My mother found a copy of this poem and started a folder with this and other poems I had written. I remember writing it and it’s hard to put myself back there. I can’t imagine how hard this time must have been for my parents, how horrible it must have been reading this poem. Nothing can prepare a parent for the feelings that come from reading a poem their daughter has written about suicide.