Inside myself

Tags

Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, mind races, Personal, weight of my words

My arms carry the weight of my words

My fingers straining while I grip my pen

My mind races

Are my arms ready

Can my body keep up

Where do my words go

that never make it to paper

Are my thoughts traceable

I am searching in my mind

but I am lost

The sound of my cats bell

brings me back to reality

Where did I go

Was it better there

Will I ever find myself

How long can I hide

Am I hiding

Can I be found

Do I want to be found

Eric

Tags

Emotions, Grieving, honest thoughts, Life, Memories, Personal, time in my life

The passing of a loved one

the mourning of a soul

all the treasured memories stay with us

let the sad moments lie in peace

A time for mourning

A time for crying

But today is a time for smiling

a time to smile at history

a time to reflect on a life

A life that was blessed with children

grandchildren and great-grandchildren

A man who was blessed with a wife of sixty-four years

A man who loved rugby and laughed with his friends

A man who worked the land with his hands

A man who lived eighty-four years on this earth

It is now his time, his calling

Today is his day

he is now living in his memories

his signature engraved on our hearts

Close your eyes and remember the good times

open your hearts to forgive the rest

For now is a time to smile as he lyes to rest

to rest forever in peace.

Cheers Eric .

Written 2010

Eric is my husband’s grandfather and sadly he died in 2010 but to be fair he lived a long, happy life and he was ready on the day he passed. The family have had their ups and downs you know like all families have and there was a lot of negativity pointed at him towards the end. Okay he was a grumpy old shit in the end but I bloody liked that grumpy old shit! He didn’t get out of bed for any of his family not even his children but I went around to see him with Morgan and lo and behold he got out of bed, he made a huge effort with the kids which made for some great photos and memories. On the Christmas Day before he died we went to see Eric and Shirley (Nana), they were having Christmas alone but they thought their son (Morgan’s uncle) would bring them dinner…….he did not. I know who does that? I felt terrible, I would’ve taken them dinner gosh we had just had dinner before we went there. I did however have a sherry with him, in fact I had two and I feel at peace. I am happy that my last memory of my time with Eric was….happy, we were both happy. We said good-bye with a smile and a hug then I drove away not knowing it would be the last time. That was the last time I saw him alive. May he rest in peace.

Ten Years

Tags

Emotions, Friendship, honest thoughts, Life, Memories, Personal, Suicide, time in my life

Ten years have been and gone

in ten years I have grown and changed

from that scared school girl

full of depression and despair

I wish I had a crystal ball

all those years ago

to see exactly what the future held

to see our wildest dreams could come true

I never would have thought

I would be happy, strong and good

I never would have thought life

would come out the way it did

All those promises we had

now just seem so small

it seems such a waste

What was I ever worried about

If only we had a glimpse

if someone showed us what we would’ve been

maybe then you could have chosen

to live out your days with me

I can’t say it was all clean sailing

I can’t say it was all good times

but it was my life

and for this life I am grateful

So many moments have been and gone

so many moments I needed you for

I miss the way you lit the room

I miss your laugh and your smile

Through all the moments

I have felt you there

I know you are shining on me

I know you are blessing my life

All the things I have done

I wish you had the chance

The feeling of walking down the aisle

Sealing marriage with a kiss

Looking into your babies eyes

feeling their fingers grip

to hear them laugh for the first time

to sooth their crying at night

I know if you knew life would be this great

If you just held out a little longer

then we could be together

just like we always thought we would.

Written 2006

I really do look back and wish she could have just held on to her life a little longer. Things did get better and this life really was worth fighting for. I don’t know that I have fully expressed just how lucky I feel, she gave me a second chance at life and I will always be so very grateful. x

Our Wedding Reading

Tags

Emotions, Life, love, Marrage, Personal, relationships, time in my life, Wedding Day

Love is more than a feeling or an emotion

it is an amazing way of being

it is being yourself

sharing all you have to give

to feel no judgement or criticism

Love is being in a bubble

and floating so high

that you feel you are looking down on yourself

in ore of the moment.

 

To marry is to give yourself to another

to share all your wants and needs

to join with another to dream their dreams

and to feel their desires

To understand one another

like you never felt anyone could understand you

to feel happiness just by spending

a moment looking in their eyes

To feel a rush with just the touch

of their hand in yours

to love is so enlightening

but to be loved is the greatest gift.

Written January 2006

Wow reading this poem takes me back, I remember falling in love with my husband. I can remember how it felt feeling, you know those little butterflies in your stomach when you thought of them. Love is such an intense emotion, I have always written more when I was down so when I find poems that I wrote about love and happiness I always make sure I take the time to bask in the feelings that they bring back to me. As the title points out, I wrote this for our wedding day. I am not religious so this was our reading, other people have a reading from well, from something to do with their faith but for us we wanted something that was personal to us, something that was us and about OUR love. We married in beautiful Queenstown New Zealand over six years ago but reading this poem makes me feel like it was just yesterday.

I Wish

Tags

Abortion, Depression, Emotions, Friendship, Life, Personal, time in my life

All the shivers all over my body

does that mean that you are around

do you feel my sadness

do you see my happiness.

 

I wish the world was easy

I wish there was no hurt or pain

I wish there was no suffering

I wish there was no sorrow

 

I wish I could make you happy

I wish I could recreate your soul

I wish the world was easy

for us to understand.

 

I wish you were here

to wipe away my tears

to help me cope with life

to help me cope with death.

Written 2005

Whenever I am depressed, down on myself and/or life, I think of those scared teenagers from all those years ago. I think of my friend who gave up on her life, I think of the good times by remembering her laugh, her smile and her………hand writing? I know weird but I always thought I had the worst hand writing and wished I wrote the letter A like her. I still write a lowercase A like we were all taught in school but she wrote an A like well this – a. Memories aren’t they just the weirdest things, how bizarre that a weird thing like hand writing can make me smile. I still beat myself up about having that abortion and I think some little part of me thinks just talking to her would make it all okay. I have great friends I talk to about any of life’s little issues but she……..She just, I don’t know she just matters, it matters to me what she would think.

Why do you love me?

Tags

Abortion, Depression, Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, love, Personal, relationships, time in my life

Why do you love me

I can’t understand

I am not a good person

I am not even close

I killed the one thing

that only I could give life

I chose to put my life first

But what a price my baby paid

I know you would have been there

well I hope for that at least

I was just too weak

to raise a child on  my own

I have finally found you

you are the one I truly love

I am myself when I am with you

I love myself when I am with you

For me you are everything

You are all I think about

I am thankful to have found you

I am thankful to have your love.

  Written 2005

When I am depressed I am so negative about myself, this makes me feel like I don’t deserve love, from anyone.

Who am I

Tags

Abortion, Children, Emotions, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

What have I done

how can I feel okay

if what I did was right

why does it feel so wrong

I hate myself

I went against everything I believed

I lied to myself

I lied to my child

I am not the good person

I once believed I was

I have caused suffering

I have caused pain

but worst of all

I have caused death.

Written July 2005

I hated myself, I am trying so very hard to put it into words how I felt but I am struggling. How can I describe the feeling of hatred towards yourself, it is like living but dying all in the same breath, it is floating and crashing at the same time, my emotions were being torn. I had a wedding to plan so I was excited about life yet there was this cloud over me, I seemed to be constantly reminded that I should be pregnant but I wasn’t so then I was reminded that I was nothing but a cold, heartless killer.

 

Stay – My love is true

Tags

Dreams, Emotions, Friendship, honest thoughts, Life, love, Personal, relationships, time in my life

When I look inside my heart

all I see is you

When I close my eyes to dream

all I see is you

To hear you are unsure

that I really have your trust

tears me up inside

and hurts just like a knife.

I hope you can see my love

will stay forever strong

and will be forever true

There is only one man on my mind

there is only one man for me

I want to give myself to you

I want to forever fall asleep in your arms

I want to be the first thing you see in the mornings.

To marry someone is the biggest decision

but I know with you I want to be

I am giving myself to you

My life is complete only…..

when I am standing in your love

I love how close we are

I love how I am always myself with you

I don’t have to hide who I am

I don’t have to pretend anymore

I have found you

My love, my only, my all.

Written July 2005

We had a fight and Morgan stormed off, he was never leaving but it is amazing what thoughts go through your mind and how alone you feel in just fifteen minutes – he was only gone fifteen minutes, yet my emotions were so very heavy. Having arguments within our relationships is so very important, there is nothing better than a good blow out over something silly because well, we all know making up is bliss.

New Love

Tags

Emotions, love, Personal, time in my life

Every moment away from you

feels like a life time lost and dead

I would give anything to feel you next to me

I’d give anything to feel you close.

The safest place for me

is right between your arms

when you are holding me

in a close embrace

with a kiss on my forehead you give.

Our time apart has shown me

that without you, I can not be

to not wake in your arms

feels so cold

not only for my body

but also my mind and soul.

You have become a part of me

that can not ever be replaced

You have me

I have given myself to you

I am the person I want to be

only when I am with you

I love myself now

only because I know you love me too.

Written 29 June 2005

I met my Morgan when I moved to a new high school, it was perfect that we never dated back then because it never would have lasted. Instead we caught up as young adults and we have never looked back. I struggle a little writing poems that aren’t dark and deep so my happy poems are pretty weak but heck, they are still mine and therefore a part of me.

Tags

Abortion, Children, Emotions, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

I’m sorry I stopped you growing

I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance

I wanted to try

but Mike knew best

he is young, talented

and has a world of opportunities.

I know what I did was the best thing

for you and for Mike

But it was the worst thing for me.

I can’t live this way

I am meant to be strong

but I am weak

I was stuck

I couldn’t cope with you dying

but I couldn’t cope with raising you on my own

I know my family was there for me

I am weak because I couldn’t do it.

I love you

I miss you

I regret not allowing you

the amazing life you could have had

I will never forget you.

Written 2005

I wanted to have the baby and I never even considered abortion until I was about eight weeks pregnant. I didn’t even think it was an option, I knew my family would help me but I couldn’t go a head with it knowing Mike didn’t want to do it. Okay he would have had a part of the child’s life but he didn’t want him (I have always thought of him as a boy). Mike’s parents were divorced and he had always promised himself he would never do that to a child and I couldn’t do it on my own. He was a pilot and wanted to travel the world, in fact we had broken up a week before I found out I was pregnant because he was going overseas, I was gutted. I have an amazing family so I guess I also started thinking about them and how important they are in my life so yes I wanted children but now, with this baby it was not to be.