To imagine what she was going through
is an image too hard to see
to put myself in her shoes
is a task too hard to achieve.
To not feel anger, hate or guilt
at her for what she did.
I know people split for their own reasons
and to themselves they must be true
but to not feel anger, hate or guilt
is a task too hard to deny.
The truth is, pain only goes
when you can hate and close your eyes.
“To imagine what you were going through” – I am referring to what she must have been going through on the day, in the moments before she decided to put her head in that noose. What was she going through to suddenly decide to do it without me, I think that is where my hate and anger comes from, I thought we were doing it together, I thought I wasn’t alone.
When I thought about that horrendous day in my head I wondered, why? Why that day, why alone instead of together? What if I had taken my bike to school, would I have followed her, tried to find her? Would I be here at all? Questions, questions, questions and no answers. I am no closer today to these answers but the difference is I no longer need those answers, I have made peace with those lonely little girl’s. All I know is, I am grateful, I am grateful for her decisions regardless of her reasons. Those decisions she made is why I am here today so I no longer want to ask her why, I just simply want to say, Thank-you.