Imagine

Tags

Friendship, Grieving, honest thoughts, Personal, Suicide, Suicide Pact, time in my life

To imagine what she was going through

is an image too hard to see

to put myself in her shoes

is a task too hard to achieve.

To not feel anger, hate or guilt

at her for what she did.

I know people split for their own reasons

and to themselves they must be true

but to not feel anger, hate or guilt

is a task too hard to deny.

The truth is, pain only goes

when you can hate and close your eyes.

Written 1999

“To imagine what you were going through” – I am referring to what she must have been going through on the day, in the moments before she decided to put her head in that noose. What was she going through to suddenly decide to do it without me, I think that is where my hate and anger comes from, I thought we were doing it together, I thought I wasn’t alone.

When I thought about that horrendous day in my head I wondered, why? Why that day, why alone instead of together? What if I had taken my bike to school, would I have followed her, tried to find her? Would I be here at all? Questions, questions, questions and no answers. I am no closer today to these answers but the difference is I no longer need those answers, I have made peace with those lonely little girl’s. All I know is, I am grateful, I am grateful for her decisions regardless of her reasons. Those decisions she made is why I am here today so I no longer want to ask her why, I just simply want to say, Thank-you.

A poem just for you

Tags

Grieving, Life, mental-health, Suicide, Suicide Pact

All these promises I made to you

some are deeds I just can’t do

All my promises through your life

have got me now in such strife

I want to be with you

but to my family I must be true

because what would I have to gain

except to know my family is in total pain

For your death I feel such blame

for me it felt just like a game

I should have told a friend

for it may not have had to be your end

My life I feel is good

otherwise I would

To do that to my family isn’t right

so for my life to live I will fight.

Written in 1997

We had planned so much about our deaths, which is why it was so hard for me to cope with grieving on my own, I was meant to be dead, I was meant to die with her. We spent many hours talking about suicide, going into deep detail, we talked about how to do it, where to do it, what music to play at our funerals and we both wanted an open coffin. We didn’t want a mess for anyone to find and we didn’t want to feel any pain, so death by hanging seemed the easiest option plus it was something we could do it together, we could take that ‘leap’ together. I remember sitting in the library every Thursday for last period together and ‘planning’, I feel a deep sadness for those two girl’s sitting in that library, quietly disappearing, we were invisible, we were in such desperate need of being rescued and our rescuers never came. I wonder how many other teenagers are still to this day, disappearing, are invisible and who are sadly not being rescued.

My World

Tags

Depression, Dreams, Grieving, mental-health, Suicide Pact, Teenage Suicide

I have dreamed of my own world

it is much better than my first

it has all the things I ever wanted

all the things I ever imagined

My world is full of joy

on one could ever be depressed

for no bad things can happen here

There is open paddocks as far as the eye can see

to be able to ride a horse

to gallop as fast as I do please

to have on me no boundaries

of what I can and can not do

No one to say how far I ride

and how long that I can be

No one to take away my dreams

because in my world I will carry on living

I will live until the birds stop singing

until the babies stop crying

For in my world I am whole

I can be my one true self

No one will judge me here

no one is higher class

everyone is equal

and the first as important as the last

I guess I had to dream of a place

because in this world it could not be true

there are higher classes here

and everyone is not equal

I wish this world was like my dream

I wish I could ride through a paddock

let my horse sip at a stream

I wish everyone was equal

so there would be no one

to take away my dream.

Written approximately 1997

After losing my best friend to suicide and because I was still battling my own suicidal demon, my parents moved me to another school in another town. Fresh start, new life, new attitude, I was ready for change and I was ready to be happy. I was glad to move, I needed to get away, escape my old life, I was sick of all the teasing and I hated how my body shivered every time something reminded me of her, reminded me she was gone and lost forever. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to forget her but I couldn’t live there, all I thought about was her and my promise, my promise to be with her. I couldn’t sleep unless I was playing music, I hated silence, if it was silent I thought of her, I wondered what if, what if I did things differently, what if I told and then I wondered would anyone have believed me if I did. She wasn’t a bad person, she was stuck in a tunnel of depression. She appeared such a happy, popular girl and she told me she would deny everything if I spoke out and I lost all credibility when I attempted suicide myself, she reminded me that, everyone already thought I was crazy so no one would believe me. Was she right? I will never know now, all I know is, I have never forgiven myself for choosing to keep quiet just because I was scared people would think I was crazy and because I didn’t speak up………she is gone.

I feel such Blame

Tags

Grieving, mental-health, Suicide, Suicide Pact, Teenage Suicide

Why did you do it

why did you put this pain on me

It is really hard knowing

that I knew but couldn’t see

I knew you hated life

but I didn’t think you’d do it

I know I am know better

I know I’ve tried it too

I didn’t think you’d do it

to me it was a game

I hate that I promised

that I promised I’d do it too

We were meant to do it together

we even decided on a song

Written 1996

I don’t think this poem is finished but I don’t think it is right for me to finish it now. So it is what it is, I don’t feel I should could finish it. I am not at the same place, mentally anymore, sometimes I go back there but now, tonight, no, now is not the right time to be changing something I started but couldn’t finish all that time ago. I have wanted to change many of my poems but I am trying to stay honest to what I started. This blog is about remembering, it is about breaking down the walls I have built I don’t want to just change and re-build them I want them destroyed.

Your Ending

Tags

Depression, Grieving, mental-health, Suicide, Suicide Pact, Teenage Suicide

Why have you done this

to your family

to all of your friends

especially to me

I know all of the reasons

well I think I do

but no-one knows for sure what you were thinking

when you put your head into that noose

It must have been hard

it must have taken guts

but what you did was wrong

what you did to us was heartless

Why didn’t you think first

of all of us left behind

Us to pick up the pieces

of what was going on inside your mind

You weren’t the girl I once knew

the girl so full of life

everyone  thought you were happy

But I could see straight through your lies

Still I didn’t believe you

when you said exactly how you felt

We stole that stupid bike

and didn’t want to get caught

We thought we could take the cheats way out

together we would stand

But instead you jumped alone

you jumped all by yourself

Now I stand alone but I will regain my strength

Never will I forget

The friend I had in you

the friend that was forever true.

Written in 1996

When I was fourteen I lost my best friend to suicide. I was battling my own demons, my own thoughts of suicide and when I attempted the first time it opened our emotions to flow together like a raging river. We were both fighting the same fight, living and being happy just seemed too hard. The tunnel vision we both had is frightening for me to think back on now, I feel a deep sadness for the girl’s we were back then, I feel scared for teenagers that are now living with what I lived through and I am so very lucky that I was the one who lived through it. I am gutted my teenage years are tainted with depression and suicide but I am happy to have known this beautiful girl.