Do they know

Tags

honest thoughts, Life, Ranting

I had a thought

although it’s in the wrong time

of the girl’s who lost her

who left her behind

Do they know words cut deep

and linger longer than wounds

Do they know or remember who they were

Do they feel anything

Do they think of their actions

Did they grow a conscience

Or do they just keep doing it to others

Have they caused more pain

Do they know they are now nothing

And that I am now free.

 

Okay so not everything I write is a ‘poem’ often I just write what comes to me, what bothers me or excites me at that moment, it doesn’t always flow like a true poem, sorry. Today I was picking up my five-year old daughter from school and as I sat by the sandpit outside her class I got lost in my thoughts. The laughter of the toddler’s waiting for their siblings to come out, they played with children they hadn’t met, they didn’t even know each others names but they didn’t care they played, they ran, they threw sand and they made awesome truck noises. It was nice I couldn’t help but smile as I thought back to my childhood when life was easy, fun and everything you did was a new adventure. However as happy as I was being lost in my thoughts and memories it all came to an abrupt end as quickly as it took to change from a smile to a frown.

Mother’s, in particular the snooty, popular, hold their nose in the air kind of mother’s all chatting amongst themselves. I caught one mother’s eye and she give me the eye scan and I’m pretty sure she disapproved of me wearing my hoodie and trainers to school, sometimes I just can’t be arsed straightening my hair and dressing up just to pick up my daughter from school. I suddenly had a flash back to school and I honestly think people who are unaware of the pain and hurt they cause in high school don’t change in fact maybe they get a little worse and I couldn’t help but think do they ever click to how horrible they have been whether it was as a teenager or an adult. Don’t get me wrong we all have an inner bitch but some of us know what the difference between bitchy and just plain nasty is. But wow I have ranted, sorry but I think you can now understand what was going on in my world today.

 

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Inside myself

Tags

Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, mind races, Personal, weight of my words

My arms carry the weight of my words

My fingers straining while I grip my pen

My mind races

Are my arms ready

Can my body keep up

Where do my words go

that never make it to paper

Are my thoughts traceable

I am searching in my mind

but I am lost

The sound of my cats bell

brings me back to reality

Where did I go

Was it better there

Will I ever find myself

How long can I hide

Am I hiding

Can I be found

Do I want to be found

Never Alone

Tags

emotional baggage, Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, writing

I opened my heart

I opened my soul

I found light

I would never have known

You showed me the way

You showed me the road

We travel together

Never alone

Written 2012

Okay the day has finally arrived I am here I have traveled this emotional ride through out this blog. I feel amazing! What an experience it has been to share and lift all this emotional baggage, I feel a little sad that it took such a short time, I thought I had more poem written down. I started this blog to open and heal some old wounds, I have done that and I feel invigorated! But this is not the end in fact it is only the beginning, I have more words and I will keep sharing.  I wrote this poem because even though I have no idea who you guys are that read this blog of mine, I um, I feel like I need to say thank you so there it is Thank you and stay tuned.

Eric

Tags

Emotions, Grieving, honest thoughts, Life, Memories, Personal, time in my life

The passing of a loved one

the mourning of a soul

all the treasured memories stay with us

let the sad moments lie in peace

A time for mourning

A time for crying

But today is a time for smiling

a time to smile at history

a time to reflect on a life

A life that was blessed with children

grandchildren and great-grandchildren

A man who was blessed with a wife of sixty-four years

A man who loved rugby and laughed with his friends

A man who worked the land with his hands

A man who lived eighty-four years on this earth

It is now his time, his calling

Today is his day

he is now living in his memories

his signature engraved on our hearts

Close your eyes and remember the good times

open your hearts to forgive the rest

For now is a time to smile as he lyes to rest

to rest forever in peace.

Cheers Eric .

Written 2010

Eric is my husband’s grandfather and sadly he died in 2010 but to be fair he lived a long, happy life and he was ready on the day he passed. The family have had their ups and downs you know like all families have and there was a lot of negativity pointed at him towards the end. Okay he was a grumpy old shit in the end but I bloody liked that grumpy old shit! He didn’t get out of bed for any of his family not even his children but I went around to see him with Morgan and lo and behold he got out of bed, he made a huge effort with the kids which made for some great photos and memories. On the Christmas Day before he died we went to see Eric and Shirley (Nana), they were having Christmas alone but they thought their son (Morgan’s uncle) would bring them dinner…….he did not. I know who does that? I felt terrible, I would’ve taken them dinner gosh we had just had dinner before we went there. I did however have a sherry with him, in fact I had two and I feel at peace. I am happy that my last memory of my time with Eric was….happy, we were both happy. We said good-bye with a smile and a hug then I drove away not knowing it would be the last time. That was the last time I saw him alive. May he rest in peace.

Ten Years

Tags

Emotions, Friendship, honest thoughts, Life, Memories, Personal, Suicide, time in my life

Ten years have been and gone

in ten years I have grown and changed

from that scared school girl

full of depression and despair

I wish I had a crystal ball

all those years ago

to see exactly what the future held

to see our wildest dreams could come true

I never would have thought

I would be happy, strong and good

I never would have thought life

would come out the way it did

All those promises we had

now just seem so small

it seems such a waste

What was I ever worried about

If only we had a glimpse

if someone showed us what we would’ve been

maybe then you could have chosen

to live out your days with me

I can’t say it was all clean sailing

I can’t say it was all good times

but it was my life

and for this life I am grateful

So many moments have been and gone

so many moments I needed you for

I miss the way you lit the room

I miss your laugh and your smile

Through all the moments

I have felt you there

I know you are shining on me

I know you are blessing my life

All the things I have done

I wish you had the chance

The feeling of walking down the aisle

Sealing marriage with a kiss

Looking into your babies eyes

feeling their fingers grip

to hear them laugh for the first time

to sooth their crying at night

I know if you knew life would be this great

If you just held out a little longer

then we could be together

just like we always thought we would.

Written 2006

I really do look back and wish she could have just held on to her life a little longer. Things did get better and this life really was worth fighting for. I don’t know that I have fully expressed just how lucky I feel, she gave me a second chance at life and I will always be so very grateful. x

Shut Out

Tags

friends, honest thoughts, Life, relationships

The feeling of being locked away

the feeling of being pushed to the side

is a horrible and lonely place.

I am trying to understand what I did

Why do I always f**k things up

Why do I always get hurt

Every result in my life has a tragic end

Every friendship is always scarred

I only hope that our friendship

will be okay

be strong

be the same

but how will I forget

this feeling of being locked away

pushed to the side

forgotten and disposed of

How do I forget this hurt?

Written September 2005

This is not really a poem, it reads to me more now like someone just ranting about being hurt but I thought I would share it anyway.

Friendship it is an amazing connection between two people but friendships are so often strained and tainted by secrets, lies and jealously. Not all friendships can stand the test of time, can endure the battles a friendship can face which is why those friendships that do are so very precious. This poem (rant) was about a couple of friends and to be fair my friendship with them ran its course, we grew apart, no tears, no regrets just chapter closed. I’m not generally not this harsh but I also never forget and therefore I struggle at times to forgive. I like to think that this means I am always surrounded by friends that I can trust and depend on 100%.

Gone

Tags

bridesmaids, Friendship, honest thoughts, Life, time in my life

If I don’t understand you

how do I know you

if I can’t even talk to you

how can we get through this

 

How can a friendship be worth so little

when it seemed so tough and strong

how can all that was so bright

now seem so dark and alone

 

I must be so lame

to have chosen a bridesmaid

who picked to leave and close the door

she shut her back on me

 

This couldn’t be a worse time

I feel so lost and alone

I guess all I really wanted

and needed now was the friend.

The one I relied on

The one I trusted

But she is…..

Gone.

Written October 2005

I was planning my wedding for the 4th of February 2006 and I was excited but planning a wedding is stressful. I leaned on both my future husband and my three beautiful bridesmaids, the pressure got too much for one friend. I wasn’t a bride from hell, no really I wasn’t, she just felt left out. Sometimes people are only important in our lives for a limited time and she was the friend that I had through the single times, we partied, we flatted together but once I was settling down we, um well we weren’t at the same place and we drifted apart. No ones fault our bond just wasn’t strong enough to last the distance.

She did stand beside me on my wedding day but I wrote this poem on the day she moved out and we were never the same our friendship was strained it seemed almost forced. We have now lost contact well I am still ‘friends’ with her on the dreaded ‘Facebook’ but gosh how many of us are ‘Facebook friends’ with people who left or lives years ago. I guess I hope one day she will again be at the same place in her life as I am and maybe, just maybe we could catch up over a drink… or two.

 

 

Why do you love me?

Tags

Abortion, Depression, Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, love, Personal, relationships, time in my life

Why do you love me

I can’t understand

I am not a good person

I am not even close

I killed the one thing

that only I could give life

I chose to put my life first

But what a price my baby paid

I know you would have been there

well I hope for that at least

I was just too weak

to raise a child on  my own

I have finally found you

you are the one I truly love

I am myself when I am with you

I love myself when I am with you

For me you are everything

You are all I think about

I am thankful to have found you

I am thankful to have your love.

  Written 2005

When I am depressed I am so negative about myself, this makes me feel like I don’t deserve love, from anyone.

Who am I

Tags

Abortion, Children, Emotions, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

What have I done

how can I feel okay

if what I did was right

why does it feel so wrong

I hate myself

I went against everything I believed

I lied to myself

I lied to my child

I am not the good person

I once believed I was

I have caused suffering

I have caused pain

but worst of all

I have caused death.

Written July 2005

I hated myself, I am trying so very hard to put it into words how I felt but I am struggling. How can I describe the feeling of hatred towards yourself, it is like living but dying all in the same breath, it is floating and crashing at the same time, my emotions were being torn. I had a wedding to plan so I was excited about life yet there was this cloud over me, I seemed to be constantly reminded that I should be pregnant but I wasn’t so then I was reminded that I was nothing but a cold, heartless killer.

 

Morgan

Tags

Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, love, relationships, time in my life, Wedding Day

I love the person I am

when I am standing by your side

I love the way I feel

like I have butterflies inside

I have never felt so special

I have never felt so loved

I look forward to our wedding

I look forward to my life with you.

 

I picture walking down the aisle

and seeing your shining face

I see you stare back at me

our eyes locked on each other

we stand hand in hand

your eyes are still locked on me

Your vows to me you speak

it’s like the world has stopped

and all I see, hear and feel is you

No one and nothing else matters

just that it’s you and me together

and this feeling we shall have forever

for this moment is ours

and for us to hold alone

I love you

I need you

I just want to share my life with you.

Written June 2005

We had set a date – 4/02/2006 and in June I was just thinking about what I hoped for our day. Doesn’t every little girl dream of their wedding day? I never had a scrapbook of photos and ideas but I did think about my day. I always knew what colour my bridesmaids were going to wear, how I was having my hair, I knew I wanted white and blue flowers. There were a few boyfriends and yes I thought a couple of them were ‘the one’ but it’s just like my daughter, Miss Five says “mistakes are good, we learn from our mistakes” and those other guys were, well maybe not complete mistakes, but they were wrong for me. I hid this poem from Morgan, I decided if my wedding day was everything I imagined I would read it out to him on the day………….And yes, I read this poem to him in front of all our friends and family.