Dishonest

Tags

choices, confused, honesty, lies, Life, poetry, relationships

Open and honest
What a joke
We are closed and deceitful
Cold and hungry
Lost and lonely
I am many things
But honest I am not
Not to myself
Not to my life
Not to my love.
July 2012

It may sound bizarre but I was really lost and confused how could reading a book make me doubt that I loved my husband?
I craved something different, something powerful, something raw. It was nothing in particular that he did wrong or that I did wrong it was a feeling, a craving, a longing for something else….. But what exactly? I didn’t know but I was doubting my love for him, my commitment to him, I was doubting I could be with him forever.
But I felt nervous to write about it, I had so many words running through my head, so many emotions I needed to get on paper but I couldn’t…..what if he found them, what if he saw…. He was in Abu Dhabi but I still thought, what if I’m being silly….we might be fine, it might be a faze so I couldn’t write these feelings down, he might find them in the future then know how I felt. Oh I was struggling, battling with myself and I couldn’t figure out if I was winning or losing, all I knew was, I was hurting and I was so very confused.

Our Wedding Reading

Tags

Emotions, Life, love, Marrage, Personal, relationships, time in my life, Wedding Day

Love is more than a feeling or an emotion

it is an amazing way of being

it is being yourself

sharing all you have to give

to feel no judgement or criticism

Love is being in a bubble

and floating so high

that you feel you are looking down on yourself

in ore of the moment.

 

To marry is to give yourself to another

to share all your wants and needs

to join with another to dream their dreams

and to feel their desires

To understand one another

like you never felt anyone could understand you

to feel happiness just by spending

a moment looking in their eyes

To feel a rush with just the touch

of their hand in yours

to love is so enlightening

but to be loved is the greatest gift.

Written January 2006

Wow reading this poem takes me back, I remember falling in love with my husband. I can remember how it felt feeling, you know those little butterflies in your stomach when you thought of them. Love is such an intense emotion, I have always written more when I was down so when I find poems that I wrote about love and happiness I always make sure I take the time to bask in the feelings that they bring back to me. As the title points out, I wrote this for our wedding day. I am not religious so this was our reading, other people have a reading from well, from something to do with their faith but for us we wanted something that was personal to us, something that was us and about OUR love. We married in beautiful Queenstown New Zealand over six years ago but reading this poem makes me feel like it was just yesterday.

Shut Out

Tags

friends, honest thoughts, Life, relationships

The feeling of being locked away

the feeling of being pushed to the side

is a horrible and lonely place.

I am trying to understand what I did

Why do I always f**k things up

Why do I always get hurt

Every result in my life has a tragic end

Every friendship is always scarred

I only hope that our friendship

will be okay

be strong

be the same

but how will I forget

this feeling of being locked away

pushed to the side

forgotten and disposed of

How do I forget this hurt?

Written September 2005

This is not really a poem, it reads to me more now like someone just ranting about being hurt but I thought I would share it anyway.

Friendship it is an amazing connection between two people but friendships are so often strained and tainted by secrets, lies and jealously. Not all friendships can stand the test of time, can endure the battles a friendship can face which is why those friendships that do are so very precious. This poem (rant) was about a couple of friends and to be fair my friendship with them ran its course, we grew apart, no tears, no regrets just chapter closed. I’m not generally not this harsh but I also never forget and therefore I struggle at times to forgive. I like to think that this means I am always surrounded by friends that I can trust and depend on 100%.

Why do you love me?

Tags

Abortion, Depression, Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, love, Personal, relationships, time in my life

Why do you love me

I can’t understand

I am not a good person

I am not even close

I killed the one thing

that only I could give life

I chose to put my life first

But what a price my baby paid

I know you would have been there

well I hope for that at least

I was just too weak

to raise a child on  my own

I have finally found you

you are the one I truly love

I am myself when I am with you

I love myself when I am with you

For me you are everything

You are all I think about

I am thankful to have found you

I am thankful to have your love.

  Written 2005

When I am depressed I am so negative about myself, this makes me feel like I don’t deserve love, from anyone.

Morgan

Tags

Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, love, relationships, time in my life, Wedding Day

I love the person I am

when I am standing by your side

I love the way I feel

like I have butterflies inside

I have never felt so special

I have never felt so loved

I look forward to our wedding

I look forward to my life with you.

 

I picture walking down the aisle

and seeing your shining face

I see you stare back at me

our eyes locked on each other

we stand hand in hand

your eyes are still locked on me

Your vows to me you speak

it’s like the world has stopped

and all I see, hear and feel is you

No one and nothing else matters

just that it’s you and me together

and this feeling we shall have forever

for this moment is ours

and for us to hold alone

I love you

I need you

I just want to share my life with you.

Written June 2005

We had set a date – 4/02/2006 and in June I was just thinking about what I hoped for our day. Doesn’t every little girl dream of their wedding day? I never had a scrapbook of photos and ideas but I did think about my day. I always knew what colour my bridesmaids were going to wear, how I was having my hair, I knew I wanted white and blue flowers. There were a few boyfriends and yes I thought a couple of them were ‘the one’ but it’s just like my daughter, Miss Five says “mistakes are good, we learn from our mistakes” and those other guys were, well maybe not complete mistakes, but they were wrong for me. I hid this poem from Morgan, I decided if my wedding day was everything I imagined I would read it out to him on the day………….And yes, I read this poem to him in front of all our friends and family.

Stay – My love is true

Tags

Dreams, Emotions, Friendship, honest thoughts, Life, love, Personal, relationships, time in my life

When I look inside my heart

all I see is you

When I close my eyes to dream

all I see is you

To hear you are unsure

that I really have your trust

tears me up inside

and hurts just like a knife.

I hope you can see my love

will stay forever strong

and will be forever true

There is only one man on my mind

there is only one man for me

I want to give myself to you

I want to forever fall asleep in your arms

I want to be the first thing you see in the mornings.

To marry someone is the biggest decision

but I know with you I want to be

I am giving myself to you

My life is complete only…..

when I am standing in your love

I love how close we are

I love how I am always myself with you

I don’t have to hide who I am

I don’t have to pretend anymore

I have found you

My love, my only, my all.

Written July 2005

We had a fight and Morgan stormed off, he was never leaving but it is amazing what thoughts go through your mind and how alone you feel in just fifteen minutes – he was only gone fifteen minutes, yet my emotions were so very heavy. Having arguments within our relationships is so very important, there is nothing better than a good blow out over something silly because well, we all know making up is bliss.