Darkness vs Light

Tags

Children, darkness, Depression, fighting, Life, lost, struggling

I write in my book
I forget the time
The children will wake soon
and I am yet to close my eyes
What are my thoughts
where will they take me
to pastures of plenty
or the souls of the damned

I hold in my heart
both the light and the dark
Laughter and love
Friendship and happiness
Sorrow and pain
Guilt and regret

The shadows are strong
they cover me like a blanket
Yet the blanket is not warm, cosy or safe
it feels cold and damp
like a monsters breath on my neck

But even in shadows
I can see it
A shimmer
A sparkle
A single ray of light

When I am stuck in the dark
and I need to find light
I picture my children’s eyes
With diamonds that sparkle
I picture myself happy
and now my picture is bright.

28 March 2012

I was fighting against my feeling of darkness, my children were helping but I really wasn’t sure it was going to be enough. That’s horrible but I really wasn’t sure it was all going to be okay.

Who am I

Tags

Abortion, Children, Emotions, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

What have I done

how can I feel okay

if what I did was right

why does it feel so wrong

I hate myself

I went against everything I believed

I lied to myself

I lied to my child

I am not the good person

I once believed I was

I have caused suffering

I have caused pain

but worst of all

I have caused death.

Written July 2005

I hated myself, I am trying so very hard to put it into words how I felt but I am struggling. How can I describe the feeling of hatred towards yourself, it is like living but dying all in the same breath, it is floating and crashing at the same time, my emotions were being torn. I had a wedding to plan so I was excited about life yet there was this cloud over me, I seemed to be constantly reminded that I should be pregnant but I wasn’t so then I was reminded that I was nothing but a cold, heartless killer.

 

I promise

Tags

Abortion, Children, Emotions, honest thoughts, Life, love, Pregnancy, time in my life

How would have life been

if you were still growing inside me

to feel you kick and grow

I would give my heart and soul

I wonder would Morgan still love me

would we still be together.

I feel so guilty for giving up on your life

so I could live my to the full

How could I be so selfish

to take away what only I could give.

 

All I want in my life

is to be happy, safe and true

True to myself and true to Morgan

I am thankful to have found him

but ashamed life had to end for you

because if I was to have kept you

I might not have had him too.

 

I hope the soul of yours

can again grow inside me

but with the DNA of Morgan’s

I know I will be a Mum one day

to the greatest man I know

I want nothing more than to start a family

as soon as I am married.

I need to feel you growing

I need to feel you move

I love you, I need you

One day I will keep my promise

and I will allow you to grow

your mind, body and soul.

 

And on the day I find out I am pregnant

Morgan will hold open his arms

we will both be so happy

because we will have been trying to conceive

I will be held by the man I love

and we will be untouchable

no one could bring us down.

 

I look forward to that day

but I want to live and love

with just him, just us together

I love him

I trust him

I know we’ll make a great home

for you to live, love and grow.

Written 3 July 2005

 

I don’t know if souls can do that, I really don’t know what souls do at all. I now have children and if that baby was reborn in me I will never know but I guess a little piece of me needs to believe, that maybe, just maybe that is possible and it makes me feel a little better, makes the guilt a little weaker. The pregnancy I aborted was due on the 10th of October 2005 and I will always think about that baby and the life he could have had. I no longer feel guilty but I do often look back and wonder what if, what if things had gone differently and I wonder what would my life be like today if I had continued that pregnancy.

Tags

Abortion, Children, Emotions, Guilt, honest thoughts, Life, Personal, time in my life

I’m sorry I stopped you growing

I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance

I wanted to try

but Mike knew best

he is young, talented

and has a world of opportunities.

I know what I did was the best thing

for you and for Mike

But it was the worst thing for me.

I can’t live this way

I am meant to be strong

but I am weak

I was stuck

I couldn’t cope with you dying

but I couldn’t cope with raising you on my own

I know my family was there for me

I am weak because I couldn’t do it.

I love you

I miss you

I regret not allowing you

the amazing life you could have had

I will never forget you.

Written 2005

I wanted to have the baby and I never even considered abortion until I was about eight weeks pregnant. I didn’t even think it was an option, I knew my family would help me but I couldn’t go a head with it knowing Mike didn’t want to do it. Okay he would have had a part of the child’s life but he didn’t want him (I have always thought of him as a boy). Mike’s parents were divorced and he had always promised himself he would never do that to a child and I couldn’t do it on my own. He was a pilot and wanted to travel the world, in fact we had broken up a week before I found out I was pregnant because he was going overseas, I was gutted. I have an amazing family so I guess I also started thinking about them and how important they are in my life so yes I wanted children but now, with this baby it was not to be.

A Childs Home

Tags

Children, honest thoughts, Life, time in my life

From a home that is full of love

comes a child that knows little pain

comes a child free from suffering

A child with the world at their feet

A home shared with two

or a home shared with one

it means the same to a child

if the home is filled with love

With the world as their oyster

they can always achieve

but in a home full of pain

they may fall upon their knees

So live a life of love

and bring children into love

ensure they see no suffering

ensure they feel no pain.

Written September 2001

I wrote this poem because I was seeing a lot of stories on the news about the crimes involving children throughout the world. After September 11, I was always watching the news. I never really watched before then, I didn’t really understand, I didn’t see why it should matter to me what is going on in the world miles away. I grew up a little during that time, I started to think about others and wanted to know what I could do to help. I always disappear into my writing when an event or action moves me and I felt strongly about children, I wanted children in the future and I hated the idea that there are children out there in pain.