Of all the voices inside me
which are real and true.
Of all the spirits around me
are any really you
Can you visit from up there
and would you want to if you could
Why are only some gifted
to hear your honest thoughts.
I wish you would just tell me
just let me know a sign
to know you still look out for me
to know our friendship is still real
to know you still exist.
Sometimes I don’t know what to think
in you I could never doubt
I will always remember you
even if you have forgotten me
I miss you everyday
But I know I will see you again.
I often thought of her, generally while I was alone and in the silence. During this time in my life I could be happy and full of life one day, then down and dark the next. I pondered the idea that maybe suicide should be done while I was happy, go out smiling and no one would need to feel guilty. I told my mother about this idea, I said this to her.
If I’m going to commit suicide, then why not do it when things are good and I am happy – That way no one left behind needs to feel sad or guilty
That was a horrible thing for her to hear, I know that now. Not only was she worried about me when she could see I was having a down day but now, she was also worried when I was having a good day. I have, and have always had an amazing relationship with my mother, don’t be fooled into thinking that because I had these feelings or spoke to her like this, that it meant we weren’t close. I could talk to my Mum about ANYTHING, I just couldn’t talk to her about suicide until I attempted it and the only reason I didn’t talk to her before I tried it, is because well, that’s the shit thing about suicide you are secretive and deceiving because you are stuck in a tunnel that has only one escape – Death.