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Laugh, listen
the world is light
Touch, see
oh I just might
Sing, hear
to your own melody
Walk, run
across mountain tops
Swim, drown
my how fast it is all……
Gone.
23 April 2012

When I was writing this blog the first time back in 2012 I was confused. I knew what my writing meant, I knew it meant I was down but I was hoping that opening up though the site would be good for my mental health but I wasn’t sure, I wasn’t sure I could fight it but I was going to try.

Depressions invisible bruise

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A sword will cut
A punch will bruise
A hammer will crush
No one wins we all lose
The pain is visible
So clear
So raw
Help is received
with a bandage, a pill
all because wounds can be seen
can be treated
People give help
But the mind is invisible
It can not be seen
When my mind is depressed
My mind goes numb
So soon my mind is no more.

23 April 2012

It is so hard to ask for help when I am depressed, generally because once I am so low I don’t want to tell anyone because my suicidal thoughts return. Depression turns me from a happy, motivated women to a frightened little girl, a secretive little girl that gives up so quickly. I hate being depressed, I know when I write that it’s coming so now I have learned techniques to help myself but it’s rough. I feel like it’s attention seeking asking for help because if I’m okay enough to ask for help then I’m not really that depressed because when I’m crazy low I wouldn’t ask for help. Aagh depression is a killer, I know this first hand but it’s also made me a fighter! I have to fight!

Darkness vs Light

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I write in my book
I forget the time
The children will wake soon
and I am yet to close my eyes
What are my thoughts
where will they take me
to pastures of plenty
or the souls of the damned

I hold in my heart
both the light and the dark
Laughter and love
Friendship and happiness
Sorrow and pain
Guilt and regret

The shadows are strong
they cover me like a blanket
Yet the blanket is not warm, cosy or safe
it feels cold and damp
like a monsters breath on my neck

But even in shadows
I can see it
A shimmer
A sparkle
A single ray of light

When I am stuck in the dark
and I need to find light
I picture my children’s eyes
With diamonds that sparkle
I picture myself happy
and now my picture is bright.

28 March 2012

I was fighting against my feeling of darkness, my children were helping but I really wasn’t sure it was going to be enough. That’s horrible but I really wasn’t sure it was all going to be okay.

Shadows

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What is a gentle breeze
What are the sparkles
that glisten in the sun
Why do shadows follow me
Why do they take centre stage
How do I find peace
Is my heart broken
has a piece been taken
Can it be replaced
Where does pain go
Can it go
Where can I find love
Do I deserve love…

March 2012

With my husband away I found myself a little lost and lonely. I found myself escaping to my writing more and more. I was also reading, I started reading that silly Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy and it was an escape, I was alone so it gave me a little thrill and I started hoping that I could be so lucky, to live a life more seductive, more thrilling, more passionate than I was. I started to wish for a different life. I was being a full time Mum and I loved that but in the moments when the children were safely tucked up in their beds, I dreamed of more. More is the best way to describe it, I just wanted more for my life. More freedom, more fun, more to look forward to, more to live for.

Alone

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I have been searching
Inside of myself
Looking for an answer
But finding….
No-one else.

March 2012

Alone in my thoughts, in this head of my that takes me to every place from beautiful sunrises to the shadows in a cemetery. I have not written in here for so long but I do have poems just haven’t been organised. Life is so different and right at the time I wrote this I was exactly how it sounds…..alone.
My marriage wasn’t bad but my husband was working in Abu Dhabi, I was here in New Zealand, it wasn’t working, I felt so very isolated and alone.

Its been awhile

Lost and dripping

wet and alone

the dense air inhales me

swallows me whole

My hairs ignite

yet i’m shivering cold

Eyes are heavy, clouded by tears

I close my eyes, I don’t ever want to open them

I see dark, I breath dark, I am dark

I am ……

Tired I am so very tired, I have been battling the urge to write. I know that sounds crazy, why hold back writing! But for me writing only seems to come when I am overcome with pain, sadness, feelings of being alone. I am not alone, I am not in pain but I feel sadness, why? I don’t exactly know but I am.

Will I be okay? Of course I will! I might feel sadness but I am a fighter, in fact I don’t think I know how to give up but I am sad so I will write…. Sorry but at 12pm I am not coming up with anything amazing but I am going to write, I am going to continue my story. Life has changed ….. Wow life has changed a lot and I will share my story, with who I don’t know but never the less I will share. I need to because I need to stop this sadness.

Do they know

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I had a thought

although it’s in the wrong time

of the girl’s who lost her

who left her behind

Do they know words cut deep

and linger longer than wounds

Do they know or remember who they were

Do they feel anything

Do they think of their actions

Did they grow a conscience

Or do they just keep doing it to others

Have they caused more pain

Do they know they are now nothing

And that I am now free.

 

Okay so not everything I write is a ‘poem’ often I just write what comes to me, what bothers me or excites me at that moment, it doesn’t always flow like a true poem, sorry. Today I was picking up my five-year old daughter from school and as I sat by the sandpit outside her class I got lost in my thoughts. The laughter of the toddler’s waiting for their siblings to come out, they played with children they hadn’t met, they didn’t even know each others names but they didn’t care they played, they ran, they threw sand and they made awesome truck noises. It was nice I couldn’t help but smile as I thought back to my childhood when life was easy, fun and everything you did was a new adventure. However as happy as I was being lost in my thoughts and memories it all came to an abrupt end as quickly as it took to change from a smile to a frown.

Mother’s, in particular the snooty, popular, hold their nose in the air kind of mother’s all chatting amongst themselves. I caught one mother’s eye and she give me the eye scan and I’m pretty sure she disapproved of me wearing my hoodie and trainers to school, sometimes I just can’t be arsed straightening my hair and dressing up just to pick up my daughter from school. I suddenly had a flash back to school and I honestly think people who are unaware of the pain and hurt they cause in high school don’t change in fact maybe they get a little worse and I couldn’t help but think do they ever click to how horrible they have been whether it was as a teenager or an adult. Don’t get me wrong we all have an inner bitch but some of us know what the difference between bitchy and just plain nasty is. But wow I have ranted, sorry but I think you can now understand what was going on in my world today.

 

Inside myself

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My arms carry the weight of my words

My fingers straining while I grip my pen

My mind races

Are my arms ready

Can my body keep up

Where do my words go

that never make it to paper

Are my thoughts traceable

I am searching in my mind

but I am lost

The sound of my cats bell

brings me back to reality

Where did I go

Was it better there

Will I ever find myself

How long can I hide

Am I hiding

Can I be found

Do I want to be found

Never Alone

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I opened my heart

I opened my soul

I found light

I would never have known

You showed me the way

You showed me the road

We travel together

Never alone

Written 2012

Okay the day has finally arrived I am here I have traveled this emotional ride through out this blog. I feel amazing! What an experience it has been to share and lift all this emotional baggage, I feel a little sad that it took such a short time, I thought I had more poem written down. I started this blog to open and heal some old wounds, I have done that and I feel invigorated! But this is not the end in fact it is only the beginning, I have more words and I will keep sharing.  I wrote this poem because even though I have no idea who you guys are that read this blog of mine, I um, I feel like I need to say thank you so there it is Thank you and stay tuned.

Eric

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The passing of a loved one

the mourning of a soul

all the treasured memories stay with us

let the sad moments lie in peace

A time for mourning

A time for crying

But today is a time for smiling

a time to smile at history

a time to reflect on a life

A life that was blessed with children

grandchildren and great-grandchildren

A man who was blessed with a wife of sixty-four years

A man who loved rugby and laughed with his friends

A man who worked the land with his hands

A man who lived eighty-four years on this earth

It is now his time, his calling

Today is his day

he is now living in his memories

his signature engraved on our hearts

Close your eyes and remember the good times

open your hearts to forgive the rest

For now is a time to smile as he lyes to rest

to rest forever in peace.

Cheers Eric .

Written 2010

Eric is my husband’s grandfather and sadly he died in 2010 but to be fair he lived a long, happy life and he was ready on the day he passed. The family have had their ups and downs you know like all families have and there was a lot of negativity pointed at him towards the end. Okay he was a grumpy old shit in the end but I bloody liked that grumpy old shit! He didn’t get out of bed for any of his family not even his children but I went around to see him with Morgan and lo and behold he got out of bed, he made a huge effort with the kids which made for some great photos and memories. On the Christmas Day before he died we went to see Eric and Shirley (Nana), they were having Christmas alone but they thought their son (Morgan’s uncle) would bring them dinner…….he did not. I know who does that? I felt terrible, I would’ve taken them dinner gosh we had just had dinner before we went there. I did however have a sherry with him, in fact I had two and I feel at peace. I am happy that my last memory of my time with Eric was….happy, we were both happy. We said good-bye with a smile and a hug then I drove away not knowing it would be the last time. That was the last time I saw him alive. May he rest in peace.