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What have I done

how can I feel okay

if what I did was right

why does it feel so wrong

I hate myself

I went against everything I believed

I lied to myself

I lied to my child

I am not the good person

I once believed I was

I have caused suffering

I have caused pain

but worst of all

I have caused death.

Written July 2005

I hated myself, I am trying so very hard to put it into words how I felt but I am struggling. How can I describe the feeling of hatred towards yourself, it is like living but dying all in the same breath, it is floating and crashing at the same time, my emotions were being torn. I had a wedding to plan so I was excited about life yet there was this cloud over me, I seemed to be constantly reminded that I should be pregnant but I wasn’t so then I was reminded that I was nothing but a cold, heartless killer.