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I hate the feeling of guilt

you have placed upon me

the pressure you have put on me.

To talk to you again

I would give my life

I sometimes feel you around me

but I am always too scared to look.

I never did that séance

I wonder if Helen did

I wish I could

I wish I had the courage.

Why am I so scared of you

you were my best friend

yet I wake up frightened you are there

I feel sleepless in your presence

are you even there.

I miss you so much

I look forward to the day we meet again.

Written 1998

Lisa and I talked with one of our other friends about doing a séance if one of us died, she knew about our attempts at suicide but had no idea we were still planning to do it again. On the Wednesday before she succeeded she walked into the class room and said “If I am hit by a bus, play this song at my funeral”. The song was ‘Missing You’ by Puff Daddy, she was a happy, attractive girl who appeared from the outside to, have it all together so no one thought twice about her random comment.

I lost all my friends when she died, no one was horrible to my face but I knew they were all mad at me for not saying anything, for not alerting anyone fast enough and my friendships were strained, I could feel a cloud around us. I didn’t need them to make me feel guilty because I was already hating myself and feeling guilty enough all on my own. I still to this day feel guilty, I failed her.

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