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I have dreamed of my own world

it is much better than my first

it has all the things I ever wanted

all the things I ever imagined

My world is full of joy

on one could ever be depressed

for no bad things can happen here

There is open paddocks as far as the eye can see

to be able to ride a horse

to gallop as fast as I do please

to have on me no boundaries

of what I can and can not do

No one to say how far I ride

and how long that I can be

No one to take away my dreams

because in my world I will carry on living

I will live until the birds stop singing

until the babies stop crying

For in my world I am whole

I can be my one true self

No one will judge me here

no one is higher class

everyone is equal

and the first as important as the last

I guess I had to dream of a place

because in this world it could not be true

there are higher classes here

and everyone is not equal

I wish this world was like my dream

I wish I could ride through a paddock

let my horse sip at a stream

I wish everyone was equal

so there would be no one

to take away my dream.

Written approximately 1997

After losing my best friend to suicide and because I was still battling my own suicidal demon, my parents moved me to another school in another town. Fresh start, new life, new attitude, I was ready for change and I was ready to be happy. I was glad to move, I needed to get away, escape my old life, I was sick of all the teasing and I hated how my body shivered every time something reminded me of her, reminded me she was gone and lost forever. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to forget her but I couldn’t live there, all I thought about was her and my promise, my promise to be with her. I couldn’t sleep unless I was playing music, I hated silence, if it was silent I thought of her, I wondered what if, what if I did things differently, what if I told and then I wondered would anyone have believed me if I did. She wasn’t a bad person, she was stuck in a tunnel of depression. She appeared such a happy, popular girl and she told me she would deny everything if I spoke out and I lost all credibility when I attempted suicide myself, she reminded me that, everyone already thought I was crazy so no one would believe me. Was she right? I will never know now, all I know is, I have never forgiven myself for choosing to keep quiet just because I was scared people would think I was crazy and because I didn’t speak up………she is gone.

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